The Bullies’ Claws Come Out

The Bachelor Gossip, framed

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

 

It was an emotional episode of the Bachelor’s “The Girls Tell All” tonight.  We got to hear from Jubilee, Olivia, and Lace, the three women who made the most headlines during this season.  And then Caila and Ben.

Let’s start with Jubliee.  Now those of you that follow my posts know that I like this girl.  Check out my previous post here.  Before Chris Harrison even put her on the “stand” two girls started attacking her.  Wow, and you guys wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable interacting with you?  Hmm….

One of the girls was Amber but I have no clue who the other girl was.  She identified herself as “bi-racial” and it was clearly a very big deal to her.  So big that other women’s identities seemed to cause her self-esteem to weaken.  That’s not healthy.  Don’t identify yourself based on what other people think or say, be stronger, be yourself.  This is truly up to you, no one else.

She was apparently upset that Jubilee said something about her being “fully black.”  Ok, well that’s her, not you.  If you have an issue with someone I suggest you tell them right away, not let it burn a hole inside of you for months or years.  Address them right away, tell them how you feel and why.  If nothing else, when you speak up you are respecting yourself, staying silent is like letting someone else take away your voice, don’t do that.  Choose to speak up and speak out.  You can do it in a constructive way, if possible, and hopefully you can start a positive dialogue with those you are having the miscommunication or disagreement with.  But this girl apparently kept her anger inside and brought it out during the episode.  I’m sorry she has these feelings, she is a gorgeous individual and I hope she can learn to love herself regardless of what other people might think or say about her.

But things got better.  Later, when Jubilee was up on the stand, she talked about how she has difficulty with trusting people and feeling like she can count of others because she has lost her entire family.  That makes sense.  I know that a lot of people are lucky enough to have family and friends supporting and guiding them through life, helping them to know how to deal with difficult situations and people, and being a steady hand for them through life’s challenges and successes.  But she hasn’t had this.  A lot of people haven’t, and they suffer for it, often daily.

Not knowing where you stand with people and having no one to fall back on for support is exhausting.  So she faltered at times with the other girls, and didn’t respond in the way that someone who was taught how to respond would.  Don’t hold it against her.  No one is perfect and everyone has something to offer.  When someone is in a situation like her, where she feels like she is standing on uneven ground and isn’t sure where she can grab on to hold, I suggest counseling as it can teach you how to respond in those situations, to the best of your ability.  You just need to try, and things CAN get better.

I hope that people can learn from these women’s situations.  They opened up and shared very personal information about themselves and that takes real courage.  Don’t hate people because they are different, like others say, you never know what struggles they are facing, try and have compassion and understanding.  And communicate with them clearly and without attacking them and you’ll likely have a better chance of a positive impact than if you attack them, or worse, talk behind their backs.  No one can help you if you don’t let them know what the problem is, talk to them directly.

Then things progressed to Olivia.  This young woman has really been tortured throughout this process.  That is not good.  Sure, she is far from perfect, she is learning about herself like we all are (hopefully).  Not unlike Jubilee, she has some difficulties in interacting with others, I can tell you that this is not her fault.  It is usually a result of not having people around you who can show you the best ways to interact with others as you are growing up.  These skills can be learned later in life, when someone is ready to learn them.  Counseling can be very helpful for people in a situation like this, teaching them about themselves objectively and teaching them the best skills for certain social situations.

While we were watching the girls talk to Olivia, it became pretty clear who the real bullies are, Emily, her sister, Amanda, and possibly even the brown-haired girl in the back.  I don’t know what is wrong with these young ladies, but they need to take a serious look at themselves.  They feed on each other and support each other in their bad behavior, which has led them to believe that they are in the right.  They are not.  Yes, there were conflicts, but as we saw during the show, they weren’t addressed well by Emily when she “tried.”  Putting aside your frustrations and then speaking to someone is a better way to reach them, and it allows you to hear what they have to say as well.  If you really want to have a better relationship with someone, try that.

On the show last night we saw the twins repeatedly play the victim, but it seems that they are the perpetrators.  Let me be direct.  My advice?  Grow up and take some responsibility for who you really are, and then work to become a better person.

That’s all I’ll tackle today ladies.  Next week’s finale looks like it will be great!  Ben revealed that he has found the love of his life, now we just have to wait to find out which of the two girls he loves is THE ONE.

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Bernie Madoff, Another Sociopath?

H._Havelock_Ellis,_The_Criminal._Wellcome_L0019550

“Inmate of Elmira Reformatory showing four views of head”. H. Havelock Ellis, The Criminal. See page for author [CC BY 4.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)

 

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

Since we’re on the topic of sociopaths and psychopaths lately (being that this is the biggest issue in governments, big banks, wall street, wars, ect.), let’s talk Bernie Madoff.

Over the last two days ABC has aired a mini-series about his massive Ponzi scheme which they say defrauded investors out of fifty billion dollars.  Yes, you read that right, fifty billion dollars.  Wow.

He was arrested for his scam and is now in jail for the rest of his life.  Apparently there have been 61 additional Ponzi schemes discovered since this occurred in 2008.

As a human behavioral analyst who has been studying people with personality disorders (psychopaths) over the last ten years or more, I find it important to discuss how things like this happen, so that we as a society can try and avoid having them happen over and over again.  Or at least, some of us can learn to identify psychopaths before they take all of our money, or harm us in any way.

The TV mini-series revealed several behaviors of Madoff that led me to think that he has several personality disorders or strong traits.  The obsessive attention to his watches and the order of his table-top possessions is seen in obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD).  But what isn’t as easily seen, but is also a part of the same mental illness, is the obsessions over things in one’s mind.  For example, the show discusses his need to continue to raise the number in his fake account.  This is a type of obsession.  He also appeared to have obsessions over gaining people’s trust and having them believe in his manipulations and lies as he smiled to their faces.  The lies and manipulations, especially accompanied by what I have coined as “the sociopath’s smile” or “the psychopath’s smile” are all signs of a sociopath or other type of psychopath and I have never observed them in anyone else.

Madoff’s situation as portrayed in the movie was almost like a high-stress balancing act, him standing on top of a triangular rock, trying not to fall off.  This represents his obsession with increasing his accounts at all costs.  I wonder if he even enjoyed any of the money he stole, probably.  The show did not reveal much of that side of his life.  It did show however, that his obsessions caused him to lose one of his son’s love early on, and the rest of his family appeared to follow after his crimes were revealed.

The other sociopathic behaviors that were shown were seen in how he tried to bully and control others around him.  This control issue can also arise from the OCPD.

He also treated the people around him like pawns, buying them off, buttering them up.  All to continue the scheme.  He was shown receiving a nice present from his top worker, and then turning around and giving it away to someone else.  He viewed his employees as pawns, not friends, which after decades, is a bit odd.  Or, you could say psychopathic.

He seemed to have no emotions regarding other people and their lives, including his own sons, though this was a movie and I can’t say if any of what they showed is or is not true.  But this lack of empathy towards others is a classic sign of a sociopath.

The other personality disorder (PD) or trait that they mention is narcissistic PD.  He is very abusive towards others at times when they don’t comply with his every whim and demand.  This can be due to narcissistic PD where a person’s mental illness precludes them from understanding that they are not the center of the universe and that other people have feelings and priorities of their own that have nothing to do with the self-centered psychopath.  This overlaps with the sociopath as they have no feelings so they cannot understand how their behaviors harm others.

How did this man’s mental illness impact society?  It harmed his family extensively, as would happen in any family with a sociopath.  One in 75 men, and one in three hundred women is a sociopath.  One in seven people or less has a personality disorder of any type.  Identifying and treating anyone and everyone with mental illness will only help everyone around them and I strongly recommend seeking help from a qualified therapist to start.

In addition, the show said that over 20,000 people were scammed by Madoff, and that more than 30,000 additional claims were still waiting review to see if they were also valid.

A whistleblower of sorts reported the scam to the SEC several times over the years, starting in 2000 or 2001.  According to the show, the SEC employees did not do their jobs and the scam continued and harmed more and more people.  Since much of the lost money has still not been recovered, those people impacted should consider hiring an attorney to ask them if the SEC can be held negligent in their losses.  If so, they may be able to require them to repay any monies lost since the initial whistleblower report was filed with them.

So many people have a personality disorder, or more than one like you see in this movie about Bernie Madoff.  It can be people you work with, people you live with or near, people who run your banks, your religious groups, your non-profits, your hospitals, and your government.  Isn’t it worth reading up on how to identify them?  I think personality disorders may be the biggest social issue of our time.

 

 

Caleb Joins “Survivor!”

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

Hi all!  Are you as excited as I am about seeing Caleb Reynolds from “Big Brother” on “Survivor?”  Omg, when I saw him in the season preview my mouth dropped open!  (Not like Olivia’s though, that would be scary.)

If you didn’t see Caleb on “Big Brother” he was the super built guy from the South who speaks in a nice Southern drawl 🙂  He does crazy karate or something like that and jokes around a lot.  He is a loyal player so that will be cool to see if he is true to himself or if he plays the game more strategically this time.

There have been a lot of people talking on facebook about how Caleb was obsessed with some of the women when he was on “Big Brother.”  It started of with Amber, who was beautiful, though a bit on the skinny side I think; she had green eyes and curly hair and was a gentle person.  He fell for her hard and fast and no matter what she did or said, he thought it was mutual.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t and it took him way too long to hear that she was telling him she wasn’t interested in him.

Through watching him with her and later when he talked about other girls it became obvious that his behavior was really obsessive.  There are a lot of people who get obsessed with other people, or ideas, or politics.  But there’s a point where it just isn’t healthy, for them or those around them.  That’s when you need to start thinking about getting help, like going to counseling.

When being obsessed becomes a problem, it’s probably some form of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.  You can see this in people who shoplift as well.  What they have in common is a feeling that they find hard to ignore, for example it might make them feel like they have to do something or be with someone.  It is hard for them to realize it is unhealthy, because they’ve been like this for a long time, and most likely they grew up with someone similar, so they think it’s normal.  These feelings that they can get can move them to act in ways they might not otherwise, like stealing, or harassing someone to relieve the pressure of the feelings they have inside.

There is treatment for this, and if someone chooses to check into getting help, they’ll likely grow a lot if they go to counseling.  It’s a great way to better understand one’s self and how they can be a better and healthier person, and it works.

So people have all been talking about whether or not Caleb has dealt with any of his obsessive issues.  They are wondering if he will start obsessing over anyone on “Survivor” this year.  If he does, how will it impact his game?  Will he put people off?  Will his obsessive loyalty be his end, or his strength?  You never know!  It all depends on him and the people he ends up playing with this season.

I know that I for one will be glued to the screen to find out!  Hope to see you there 🙂  Feel free to comment below.

 

“Survivor,” Too much drama?

Rod Allday [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Rod Allday [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

By,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday again!  Last week’s episode of “Survivor” had tongues wagging about what Will did to Shirin.  It was pretty clear that he was WAY out of line.  I think everybody pretty much agreed on that!  The thing is, why didn’t he see it?

I’m sure you all probably saw what happened.  Somebody told Will that other people in the tribe thought he was lying about sharing all of his secret food reward stash with the group.  I think it was Rodney, wasn’t it, who first started saying this about Will behind his back and trying to get everybody else to believe him?  But Rodney’s name never came up…

So somebody tells Will about these conversations and he gets it in his head that it was Shirin that was targeting him, calling him a liar.  I think that he did that because he sees her as an easy abuse target, probably because for whatever reason people haven’t really clicked with her in the game, so he thinks he can attack her and no one will come to stand beside her.  Therefore, Will can just let her have it, and get away with it.  Well, he was right. He started yelling at her, expressing his anger at being called a liar (he wasn’t lying, so that I get), but then he morphed into evil abuser Will and wouldn’t shut up.  He pulled apart her soul, attacking her entire life and her emotional weaknesses.  The poor woman has had a difficult life, she doesn’t need this ass to bully her over it. But he wouldn’t stop, and no one there, not one person, did a thing to intervene.  It was almost like it was a play, and those were their roles, to sit dumbly by, and let him crush her with his emotionally abusive behavior.  It was sick.

Finally Mike came back to camp and pulled her out of there while she was still sitting there in total shock that Will was being so evil.  Then, when they were away from the others, we all saw how it affected her.

I, good person that I am, was thinking that when Will opened up his mouth at the challenge after that, that he was surely going to apologize for his terrible behavior.  But no, that isn’t what happened.  Not at all.

What happened next was that Will showed that he truly is an abuser.  He believed that his verbal and emotional abuse of this other person was a normal way to behave. This tells me that he likely grew up in an environment where this was their “normal.”  People, let me tell you, this is NOT normal.  If you can’t deal with your frustrations with other people in a constructive and respectful way, then you need to walk away.  And if after you cool off you still can’t do it the right way, then you need to get some help. Counseling is a great way to truly improve your health and well-being and to make you a better person to those around you.  And if you have issues like Will, you need to take this step to learn what behaviors are healthy and what behaviors are not healthy. Abusing others is never acceptable.  There is no excuse for that behavior, period.  Counseling can show you how to repair the damages that life has done to the way that you see the world and interact with it, helping you to be a better person for yourself and for those around you.

After last week’s abusive incident, some people on facebook were questioning why the producers of “Survivor” allowed it to happen.  That is a great question.  I would bet that it’s because it is “Survivor.”  Survival of the fittest, a true challenge of one’s humanity, strength, and resilience.

I think that when Shirin finally spoke out against Will, her abuser, she regained her strength.  Even if no one else had stood up for her, she needed to stand up for herself, and she finally did that, arm raised high and all.  Good for you girl, I am behind you, I think we all are on this one.  Just look around.

Girls, What’s Going to go Down on Monday’s episode of “The Bachelor, The Women Tell All?!”

The Bachelor Gossip, framedby,

Suzanne Coleman

 

It sounds like people are really ready to see some re-matches on the upcoming episode of “The Bachelor, the Women Tell All.”  Let’s take a look at the possible line-up:

 

Carly vs. Britt

Carly was told to take a hike after she told Chris that Britt was lying to him.  Did she care that she went home?  Not really.  She was more excited that Britt was sobbing outside of the mansion after she was let go.  Geez, where is the humanity??

Carly was saying in the limo on her ride outta there something like, why can’t I find someone and be happy?  Maybe it’s because you have no compassion for other people???  I don’t know girl…

Check out what I had to say before on good-ole Carly here:

https://sliceiconic.com/2015/02/19/is-carly-from-the-bachelor-a-sociopath/

and about Carly and Britt:

https://sliceiconic.com/2015/02/17/bachelor-gossip-carly-and-britt/

 

Kelsey vs. … Everyone??

Now, one girl I didn’t write about before because I have just recently started this whole blogging thing (and I am liking it!) was Kelsey.  But wow, there certainly is a LOT to say about this girl, now isn’t there?   I don’t know, maybe she is smart, but that doesn’t explain why she was SO WEIRD.

She was so manipulative and tried to control everything that happened.  I mean, she told Chris that her husband had died just so he would feel bad sending her home (not to like, let him get to know her better or something like that)…and then afterward she looks right into the camera, smiling, and says something like, “my story is so great” (her husband died, yeah, that sure is “great”…),”it’ll get me what I want” (to stay on the show).  Wow.  Not healthy or normal behavior Kelsey, sorry to say…  Most people also show some kind of emotion when talking about someone they loved that has died… and they don’t use their “story” to get men they obviously don’t really care about to keep them on a dating show!  (Can you hear me shouting there?  Yeah, well I am…a little bit.)

It’ll certainly be interesting to see what all goes down between Kelsey and the other women who were basically trapped in the house alongside her for weeks.  Yikes, that would be stressful, don’t you think?  And ew, since we’re on the topic of strange, what did you think about that forced kiss between her and Chris when she went to see him in his room?  OMG, so creepy… was I the only one who felt that way?  Let me know in the comments, PLEASE!

 

Jade vs. Chris

I am interested to see what Jade is going to say.  I think she was an interesting young lady.  She is certainly beautiful and has what seemed to be a really good personality.  I think there probably won’t be too much drama around her and how she told Chris she was a stripper and then showed him the naked pictures of herself…

Um, THAT was awkward!  Lol we’ll see if they bring it up again!

Here is what I had to say about good old Jade:

https://sliceiconic.com/2015/02/17/bachelor-gossip-jade/

 

I think those are going to be the biggest possible conflicts we will see on the show this Monday night.  It will be interesting to see how it all plays out!  See you there!

 

 

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cE pink, white border, CROP 20x26, SMALL 300

Beautiful pink explosion! Original abstract art for the home or office, by Suzanne Coleman. ©Suzanne Coleman, all rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Amazing Race,” crazy twist, and more on “That Voice!”

by,

Suzanne Coleman

 

So all of you guys who have been keeping up with my “Bachelor Gossip” posts (and you know who you are 🙂 ) have probably already read my post on Whitney’s voice.  If you haven’t, you can read it here:

https://sliceiconic.com/2015/02/18/bachelor-gossip-whitney-and-that-voice/

So now, there is another girl to add into the discussion!  On this night’s premiere of “The Amazing Race,” one of the girls on a blind date FOR THE ENTIRE RACE! (awesome idea btw directors) is Hayley, a very (bleached) blond girl who is also a nurse.  Right away when she talks you can hear that she speaks in a very high-pitched voice, just like Whitney on “The Bachelor” does.  If you watch Hayley’s interview on cbs.com you can hear that her voice is not always up that high though.  For her, it’s hard to say, but I think it might be some of the same issues as for Whitney (the “little girl voice”), but I think anxiety might be a bigger factor because she goes in and out of the high voice while she’s being interviewed.  I can understand that, I mean, she IS being filmed to be watched by millions of people… yikes!  I have to say, that is pretty darn brave.

When they started racing, and her and her partner disagreed on which way to go, I loved it when she was right and her partner was wrong!  LOL in your face, boy! 🙂  I’m starting to like her…

So back to this season’s premiere of “The Amazing Race,” what a crazy idea to put together two total strangers for a how many months-long race around the world?  Crazy!  High stress but also what an amazing (ha!) opportunity, don’t you think?  I can’t wait to see what happens with all of these pairs this season.  It will be very interesting and I applaud the show for coming up with a truly new idea to freshen up not only reality shows but this one in particular that of late has not been keeping my interest.

I am going to call this “the love season.”  Something that is long overdue 🙂

 

 

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Is Carly from “The Bachelor” a Sociopath?

 

The Bachelor Gossip, framed

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

 

She’s been called “evil.”  She’s been called a “bully.”  But, what is she really?

Well, we can’t really tell just from some clips of her, because you know how editing can make someone seem like something they’re not, but what we saw in those clips does give us an idea of what kind of a person she might be.  Let’s talk about what behavior we see in those clips.

She seems to lack empathy.  This means that she seems to have no heart, and doesn’t seem to feel for other people, and for what they are going through.  This is not normal.

She seems to enjoy watching other people suffer.  This is not normal.

She seems to do things to make other people suffer.  This is not normal.

She seems to manipulate Chris Soules, and seems to try to manipulate the other girls, so that they will all hate Britt.  This is not normal.

She jumps all over one thing that Britt said and can’t seem to understand that people can say things about something and then change their minds after they learn more about it.  Carly seems really rigid and inflexible in her beliefs.  That is not normal.

What do all of these behaviors have in common?  They are behaviors that you can see in someone who is a sociopath.  Now, I want to be clear, this isn’t saying that Carly is a sociopath, we don’t have enough information to make that type of assessment.  But it is important for everyone to understand that “bullies” and “mean girls” can have behaviors characteristic of sociopaths and other types of psychopaths.  “Sociopath” and “psychopath” are terms that refer to people with types of mental illnesses that are called personality disorders.

The medical term for sociopath is “anti-social personality disorder.”   There are several types of personality disorders, all of which can cause problems in relationships, but anti-social personality is one of the worst.  Approximately one out of every 75 men, and one out of every 300 women is a sociopath.  People with anti-social personality disorder can be very destructive to those around them; they often seriously disrupt families, businesses, organizations, governments, and society in general.  And they are all around us.

How do you know when you are dealing with a sociopath?  Sometimes it can be hard to tell because some of them are very intelligent and hide their bad behaviors very well.  On the other hand, there are the ones that aren’t trying to hide their behaviors.  Sometimes people call them assholes, and sometimes people call them jerks.  Sometimes people just don’t know what to call them, they are so completely abnormal in their behavior, it leaves others speechless.

But whether they are easy to identify or not, sociopaths do things that other people would not.  Some deliberately hurt other people for their own personal entertainment.  Some spread malicious lies behind other people’s backs in order to cause chaos and disruption.  Some act in a calculated manner to ruin people’s relationships, their reputations, their jobs, and more.  Sociopaths live as though the law and the rules do not apply to them, and that they can do whatever they want and get away with it.  Ethics don’t exist in their world.

And to top it all off, some sociopaths will find the horrible things that they are doing to be really funny.  And they will enjoy planning and executing them, like it’s a game.  You can often find them smirking to themselves as they plot against you, literally.  If you see any of these behaviors in someone, think sociopath.

An interaction with a sociopath will often elicit a strongly negative reaction from you, and you may not be able to figure out why you are feeling so upset.  It might be because you can sense that they are violating your boundaries, or that they are showing their lack of concern for right and wrong.  Pay attention to those feelings, and remember this article if you ever encounter anyone like this.  It’s usually best to stay away from them if you can.  But if you can’t, it may be helpful to directly confront their behaviors in front of a group of other people who can witness what happens (unless they are sociopaths too).  Otherwise the sociopath will keep on manipulating and lying and playing their evil little games behind everyone else’s backs.

 

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Please note that this is a very broad and complex topic and that this article only discusses limited aspects of it.  The above is for informational and educational purposes only.  If you have any specific questions or concerns, please see a physician or mental health professional.

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Beautiful pink explosion of nature!  Original abstract art for your home or office, by Suzanne Coleman. ©Suzanne Coleman, all rights reserved.

Beautiful pink explosion of nature! Original abstract art for your home or office, by Suzanne Coleman.
©Suzanne Coleman, all rights reserved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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For gifted children, being intelligent can have dark implications

The following is a very good article that discusses some of the very real difficulties that high IQ children and adults face. While I can’t support every assumption or conclusion in the article, it is definitely worth reading to be aware of struggles that they may face, to increase the compassion and empathy towards others who might be different than you are.

 

 

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Calgary Herald

Reed Ball started playing Monopoly with his family at age three—and beat them. In the early 1980s, he was one of the first kids to have a “portable” computer, a 10-kilogram Amstrad PPC512. Reed brought it to class until one of the school’s bullies knocked it out of his hands and down a stairwell.

Reed was a math whiz, and used to correct his teachers’ science errors. When they warned him he would get lead poisoning if he kept stabbing at his own arm with a pencil, Reed replied, “actually, it is graphite.” Just before he graduated from high school in 1991, Reed developed software for a major oil company that converted old blueprints into working documents. He began his studies for a degree in mathematics that September, but flunked out a year later. Then, when he was 21 years old, Reed Ball swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He…

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