The Bullies’ Claws Come Out

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

It was an emotional episode of the Bachelor’s “The Girls Tell All” tonight.  We got to hear from Jubilee, Olivia, and Lace, the three women who made the most headlines during this season.  And then Caila and Ben.

Let’s start with Jubliee.  Now those of you that follow my posts know that I like this girl.  Check out my previous post here.  Before Chris Harrison even put her on the “stand” two girls started attacking her.  Wow, and you guys wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable interacting with you?  Hmm….

One of the girls was Amber but I have no clue who the other girl was.  She identified herself as “bi-racial” and it was clearly a very big deal to her.  So big that other women’s identities seemed to cause her self-esteem to weaken.  That’s not healthy.  Don’t identify yourself based on what other people think or say, be stronger, be yourself.  This is truly up to you, no one else.

She was apparently upset that Jubilee said something about her being “fully black.”  Ok, well that’s her, not you.  If you have an issue with someone I suggest you tell them right away, not let it burn a hole inside of you for months or years.  Address them right away, tell them how you feel and why.  If nothing else, when you speak up you are respecting yourself, staying silent is like letting someone else take away your voice, don’t do that.  Choose to speak up and speak out.  You can do it in a constructive way, if possible, and hopefully you can start a positive dialogue with those you are having the miscommunication or disagreement with.  But this girl apparently kept her anger inside and brought it out during the episode.  I’m sorry she has these feelings, she is a gorgeous individual and I hope she can learn to love herself regardless of what other people might think or say about her.

But things got better.  Later, when Jubilee was up on the stand, she talked about how she has difficulty with trusting people and feeling like she can count of others because she has lost her entire family.  That makes sense.  I know that a lot of people are lucky enough to have family and friends supporting and guiding them through life, helping them to know how to deal with difficult situations and people, and being a steady hand for them through life’s challenges and successes.  But she hasn’t had this.  A lot of people haven’t, and they suffer for it, often daily.

Not knowing where you stand with people and having no one to fall back on for support is exhausting.  So she faltered at times with the other girls, and didn’t respond in the way that someone who was taught how to respond would.  Don’t hold it against her.  No one is perfect and everyone has something to offer.  When someone is in a situation like her, where she feels like she is standing on uneven ground and isn’t sure where she can grab on to hold, I suggest counseling as it can teach you how to respond in those situations, to the best of your ability.  You just need to try, and things CAN get better.

I hope that people can learn from these women’s situations.  They opened up and shared very personal information about themselves and that takes real courage.  Don’t hate people because they are different, like others say, you never know what struggles they are facing, try and have compassion and understanding.  And communicate with them clearly and without attacking them and you’ll likely have a better chance of a positive impact than if you attack them, or worse, talk behind their backs.  No one can help you if you don’t let them know what the problem is, talk to them directly.

Then things progressed to Olivia.  This young woman has really been tortured throughout this process.  That is not good.  Sure, she is far from perfect, she is learning about herself like we all are (hopefully).  Not unlike Jubilee, she has some difficulties in interacting with others, I can tell you that this is not her fault.  It is usually a result of not having people around you who can show you the best ways to interact with others as you are growing up.  These skills can be learned later in life, when someone is ready to learn them.  Counseling can be very helpful for people in a situation like this, teaching them about themselves objectively and teaching them the best skills for certain social situations.

While we were watching the girls talk to Olivia, it became pretty clear who the real bullies are, Emily, her sister, Amanda, and possibly even the brown-haired girl in the back.  I don’t know what is wrong with these young ladies, but they need to take a serious look at themselves.  They feed on each other and support each other in their bad behavior, which has led them to believe that they are in the right.  They are not.  Yes, there were conflicts, but as we saw during the show, they weren’t addressed well by Emily when she “tried.”  Putting aside your frustrations and then speaking to someone is a better way to reach them, and it allows you to hear what they have to say as well.  If you really want to have a better relationship with someone, try that.

On the show last night we saw the twins repeatedly play the victim, but it seems that they are the perpetrators.  Let me be direct.  My advice?  Grow up and take some responsibility for who you really are, and then work to become a better person.

That’s all I’ll tackle today ladies.  Next week’s finale looks like it will be great!  Ben revealed that he has found the love of his life, now we just have to wait to find out which of the two girls he loves is THE ONE.