The Bullies’ Claws Come Out

The Bachelor Gossip, framed

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

 

It was an emotional episode of the Bachelor’s “The Girls Tell All” tonight.  We got to hear from Jubilee, Olivia, and Lace, the three women who made the most headlines during this season.  And then Caila and Ben.

Let’s start with Jubliee.  Now those of you that follow my posts know that I like this girl.  Check out my previous post here.  Before Chris Harrison even put her on the “stand” two girls started attacking her.  Wow, and you guys wonder why she didn’t feel comfortable interacting with you?  Hmm….

One of the girls was Amber but I have no clue who the other girl was.  She identified herself as “bi-racial” and it was clearly a very big deal to her.  So big that other women’s identities seemed to cause her self-esteem to weaken.  That’s not healthy.  Don’t identify yourself based on what other people think or say, be stronger, be yourself.  This is truly up to you, no one else.

She was apparently upset that Jubilee said something about her being “fully black.”  Ok, well that’s her, not you.  If you have an issue with someone I suggest you tell them right away, not let it burn a hole inside of you for months or years.  Address them right away, tell them how you feel and why.  If nothing else, when you speak up you are respecting yourself, staying silent is like letting someone else take away your voice, don’t do that.  Choose to speak up and speak out.  You can do it in a constructive way, if possible, and hopefully you can start a positive dialogue with those you are having the miscommunication or disagreement with.  But this girl apparently kept her anger inside and brought it out during the episode.  I’m sorry she has these feelings, she is a gorgeous individual and I hope she can learn to love herself regardless of what other people might think or say about her.

But things got better.  Later, when Jubilee was up on the stand, she talked about how she has difficulty with trusting people and feeling like she can count of others because she has lost her entire family.  That makes sense.  I know that a lot of people are lucky enough to have family and friends supporting and guiding them through life, helping them to know how to deal with difficult situations and people, and being a steady hand for them through life’s challenges and successes.  But she hasn’t had this.  A lot of people haven’t, and they suffer for it, often daily.

Not knowing where you stand with people and having no one to fall back on for support is exhausting.  So she faltered at times with the other girls, and didn’t respond in the way that someone who was taught how to respond would.  Don’t hold it against her.  No one is perfect and everyone has something to offer.  When someone is in a situation like her, where she feels like she is standing on uneven ground and isn’t sure where she can grab on to hold, I suggest counseling as it can teach you how to respond in those situations, to the best of your ability.  You just need to try, and things CAN get better.

I hope that people can learn from these women’s situations.  They opened up and shared very personal information about themselves and that takes real courage.  Don’t hate people because they are different, like others say, you never know what struggles they are facing, try and have compassion and understanding.  And communicate with them clearly and without attacking them and you’ll likely have a better chance of a positive impact than if you attack them, or worse, talk behind their backs.  No one can help you if you don’t let them know what the problem is, talk to them directly.

Then things progressed to Olivia.  This young woman has really been tortured throughout this process.  That is not good.  Sure, she is far from perfect, she is learning about herself like we all are (hopefully).  Not unlike Jubilee, she has some difficulties in interacting with others, I can tell you that this is not her fault.  It is usually a result of not having people around you who can show you the best ways to interact with others as you are growing up.  These skills can be learned later in life, when someone is ready to learn them.  Counseling can be very helpful for people in a situation like this, teaching them about themselves objectively and teaching them the best skills for certain social situations.

While we were watching the girls talk to Olivia, it became pretty clear who the real bullies are, Emily, her sister, Amanda, and possibly even the brown-haired girl in the back.  I don’t know what is wrong with these young ladies, but they need to take a serious look at themselves.  They feed on each other and support each other in their bad behavior, which has led them to believe that they are in the right.  They are not.  Yes, there were conflicts, but as we saw during the show, they weren’t addressed well by Emily when she “tried.”  Putting aside your frustrations and then speaking to someone is a better way to reach them, and it allows you to hear what they have to say as well.  If you really want to have a better relationship with someone, try that.

On the show last night we saw the twins repeatedly play the victim, but it seems that they are the perpetrators.  Let me be direct.  My advice?  Grow up and take some responsibility for who you really are, and then work to become a better person.

That’s all I’ll tackle today ladies.  Next week’s finale looks like it will be great!  Ben revealed that he has found the love of his life, now we just have to wait to find out which of the two girls he loves is THE ONE.

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“Survivor,” Too much drama?

Rod Allday [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Rod Allday [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

By,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

I can’t believe it’s already Wednesday again!  Last week’s episode of “Survivor” had tongues wagging about what Will did to Shirin.  It was pretty clear that he was WAY out of line.  I think everybody pretty much agreed on that!  The thing is, why didn’t he see it?

I’m sure you all probably saw what happened.  Somebody told Will that other people in the tribe thought he was lying about sharing all of his secret food reward stash with the group.  I think it was Rodney, wasn’t it, who first started saying this about Will behind his back and trying to get everybody else to believe him?  But Rodney’s name never came up…

So somebody tells Will about these conversations and he gets it in his head that it was Shirin that was targeting him, calling him a liar.  I think that he did that because he sees her as an easy abuse target, probably because for whatever reason people haven’t really clicked with her in the game, so he thinks he can attack her and no one will come to stand beside her.  Therefore, Will can just let her have it, and get away with it.  Well, he was right. He started yelling at her, expressing his anger at being called a liar (he wasn’t lying, so that I get), but then he morphed into evil abuser Will and wouldn’t shut up.  He pulled apart her soul, attacking her entire life and her emotional weaknesses.  The poor woman has had a difficult life, she doesn’t need this ass to bully her over it. But he wouldn’t stop, and no one there, not one person, did a thing to intervene.  It was almost like it was a play, and those were their roles, to sit dumbly by, and let him crush her with his emotionally abusive behavior.  It was sick.

Finally Mike came back to camp and pulled her out of there while she was still sitting there in total shock that Will was being so evil.  Then, when they were away from the others, we all saw how it affected her.

I, good person that I am, was thinking that when Will opened up his mouth at the challenge after that, that he was surely going to apologize for his terrible behavior.  But no, that isn’t what happened.  Not at all.

What happened next was that Will showed that he truly is an abuser.  He believed that his verbal and emotional abuse of this other person was a normal way to behave. This tells me that he likely grew up in an environment where this was their “normal.”  People, let me tell you, this is NOT normal.  If you can’t deal with your frustrations with other people in a constructive and respectful way, then you need to walk away.  And if after you cool off you still can’t do it the right way, then you need to get some help. Counseling is a great way to truly improve your health and well-being and to make you a better person to those around you.  And if you have issues like Will, you need to take this step to learn what behaviors are healthy and what behaviors are not healthy. Abusing others is never acceptable.  There is no excuse for that behavior, period.  Counseling can show you how to repair the damages that life has done to the way that you see the world and interact with it, helping you to be a better person for yourself and for those around you.

After last week’s abusive incident, some people on facebook were questioning why the producers of “Survivor” allowed it to happen.  That is a great question.  I would bet that it’s because it is “Survivor.”  Survival of the fittest, a true challenge of one’s humanity, strength, and resilience.

I think that when Shirin finally spoke out against Will, her abuser, she regained her strength.  Even if no one else had stood up for her, she needed to stand up for herself, and she finally did that, arm raised high and all.  Good for you girl, I am behind you, I think we all are on this one.  Just look around.

Bachelor Gossip: Whitney and that VOICE!

 

The Bachelor Gossip, framed

 

by,

Suzanne Coleman, MD

Ok, first of all, I want to say Whitney seems like a really decent person.  She’s got her life together, she hasn’t been shown to be mean like Carly to the other girls, and she respects herself.  I wanted to be clear on that because I’m not writing this to put her down in any way, I’m writing it because I have noticed something about the way that she speaks which I think that we as women should all take a moment to think about in regards to ourselves and the women and girls around us.  I mean for this to be a positive post, not a negative post.

So if you’re watching ABC’s “The Bachelor” (and we know you all are!) you know that Whitney is a young lady from Chicago who is vying for the attention of a farmer dude from somewhere in the middle of nowhere, pretty much literally.  She’s one of the final three ladies left before he decides who he likes the best for himself (she can say yes or no, but they usually say yes…).

From the first time they showed Whitney* on the show, I noticed that her voice was very high pitched and a bit whiney.  It came across as if she was trying to sound like a little girl who is trying to get attention.  I have noticed this same kind of behavior in many girls and women before.  They seem to be deliberately, though not necessarily consciously, mimicking a young girl’s voice and behavior.  I think that it’s something that some women do subconsciously in order to get attention from men.  I think it might have to do with their relationships with men growing up, or other people around them, who might respond more willingly to what sounds like a young girl who needs help.

I have noticed that men do seem more interested in women who speak this way.  Men may be hard-wired to do so.  And girls who find that they get more attention by using this type of voice are probably more likely to continue to use this behavior to get attention as they grow up into adults.

I think that women, on the other hand, respond more negatively to this type of behavior.  I think that when we see a young lady or woman acting like a child who doesn’t speak in a way that we would expect for their age and maturity level, it bothers us.

When someone speaks this way, it might also be related to some kind of anxiety over one’s self and how you fit in with others around you, like a self-esteem issue or insecurity.  Anxiety can cause the voice to rise upwards in pitch, so it may be a part of why the high voice happens as well.

I would like to suggest to the women and young women out there who find themselves speaking in a voice that is higher than their actual voice, or in a submissive or needy way towards men or others, to make yourselves aware of that behavior and see if you can stop that habit.  I’d like to see all girls and women proud of who they are, and not acting overly submissive, like a child, towards others to get attention or anything else that they might want or need.  You should not be afraid to speak out and speak up for yourself.  If you find that you do feel that way, then that is something that you should explore.  I am a strong supporter of counseling as a way to find the strongest, healthiest you.

So getting back to “The Bachelor,” I’m pretty sure he picks Whitney in the end.  Why?  On the first show they highlighted her a lot and it really stuck out to me.  They seem to do that with the finalists and more so with the winner.  Just a feeling… I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

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* Now I want to note, that I mention Whitney because so many of you noticed her voice.  I thought it would be a great opportunity to bring up this topic and I am using her voice as an example, but please realize that none of the discussion comments in here are about her in particular.

 

 

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