HILARIOUS “Bachelorette” Parody!

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by,

Suzanne Coleman

So what’s going to go down on Monday’s episode of “The Bachelorette?!”  Picture this!

Opening scene:

Kaitlyn had SUCH a good time with her boy Nick last week that she just can’t help herself, she has to have MORE!  Mmmmm!  So the first thing she does is grab her hottie while the other guys’ backs are turned and sneaks him upstairs.

But, while she and Nick are having some “private time” in the upstairs suite, Shawn gets antsy and comes up the stairs looking for “his girl.”

Shawn walks up to her bedroom doors and stops, he hears some noises coming from behind them.  He figures it’s just Kaitlyn getting ready and he opens up the door and pops his head in.  As his head enters the room, we see him recoil in surprise as tears fill his eyes and his mouth drops open.  “What are you DOING?!” he screams.

All of the other men are downstairs when they hear this manly scream ring out from above.  Several of them drop their champagne glasses, and the liquid flows all over the floor.  They clumsily jump to their feet, looking around at each other and saying “what the heck is going on?!”  Half of them are wasted off of their asses and can’t seem to stand up straight.  No one knows what is happening, so thinking that Kaitlyn is in some kind of danger, a bunch of them run upstairs in varying states of manliness.  Joe slips and falls on the wet red tiles.

Meanwhile, behind the door, Kaitlyn unwraps herself from the curly-haired, sweaty man she can’t stay away from and gasps!  “Oh, no!”  They have been discovered.

She quickly runs to the door, partly covering herself up as she goes.  She stammers something to Shawn, who is now wandering around in the hall, staring into space, muttering unintelligibly to himself.  She closes the door and leans against it.

“Nick!” she says, “we need to get out of here NOW.  You are in danger, the guys are going to KILL you!”  “… And maybe me…” she adds as an afterthought.

She looks around the room.  How will they escape?

She spots the ornate double French doors that lead out to the sunny stone-railinged balcony.  That’s it!  She pulls the half-naked sexy man out from her bed.  “Let’s go!” she calls to him.

They run.  “Kaitlyn, what is happening?” pants Nick.

“Nick, the guys, they know!”

“OMG, they’re going to KILL me,” he says, looking surly.

“I know, that’s why you have to get the hell out of here now.  Field-plowing will have to wait.”

Kaitlyn opens the balcony doors and the sunlight streams in, making her squint her eyes.  When she opens them up again, she is shocked!  The men have gathered on the lawn below them.  They are angry, very angry.  She can hear them growling, and shouting, “Get them!!”  Their mouths are set, their eyes like slits; they have taken up arms.  From baseball bats to swords they have pulled down from the walls of the hotel, they are ready to beat them both for their betrayal.  They begin chanting and banging their weapons together over and over again.  It is a war cry.

“Oh no!” Kaitlyn gasps.  As she leans over to look at them, one of her boobs pops out, “accidentally.”  She slowly covers it back up.  The guys stop chanting for a second, staring up at her, forgetting why they are there.  Some of them start drooling.  Then, Nick reaches her side and looks down.  Now the guys remember why they are there and begin yelling again and brandishing their weapons.  Nick’s face turns even ashier than normal.  His curly hair straightens under the pressure, leaving him looking like a desperate, scared, wet puppy.  His shoulders sag, he knows he is in trouble.

Kaitlyn is FREAKING OUT!  She starts to run back into the room.  Yelling at Nick, she asks “What are we going to do!  We can’t beat them all!”  When she turns around she finds that there are men in the room now too, there is nowhere for them to go!

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Choose YOUR favorite ending!

1.  Her heart racing, Kaitlyn sits straight up in bed, covered in sweat.  Her eyes pop wide open; she jumps out of bed and begins running around, looking for the men who are after her.  Her adrenalin is pumping.  “Omg, where is Nick,” she asks herself.  He is nowhere to be found.  She is breathing heavily.

There is no one else there.  She goes out onto the balcony and walks to the railing.  Looking down, there is no one there either.  She is all alone.

2.  Kaitlyn’s heart skips a beat, she gasps and blinks hard and says “Whaaa’??”  As she looks back out over the crowd that has gathered in the yard below she realizes that it isn’t the guys after all.

The yard is filled with hundreds of angry fans carrying signs and yelling.  They are saying things like “Kaitlyn is the worst Bachelorette EVER!,” the “Kaitlyn is THE Trashelorette,” and other unkind things.  Kaitlyn is appalled, all she ever did was follow her “heart!”

3.  Kaitlyn’s heart is racing, she grabs Nick’s hand.  She looks into his big beautiful blue eyes for a moment and gathers her strength.  She takes a deep breath in and suddenly, she passes out.  It’s all too much for her.

Nick grabs her as she falls.  “Oh no, now what are we going to do?” he asks himself.  He fans her bright red cheeks.

The men are closing in on them.  He grabs her in his arms and leaps off of the second-story balcony screaming “if it’s good enough for Romeo and Juliet it’s good enough for us!”

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Hey fans!  If you enjoyed this, please share it with your friends and let me know in the comments!  Thanks for reading 🙂

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Is Nick just a PLAYER??

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by,

Suzanne Coleman

Do you guys think that Nick is playing Kaitlyn?  Or do you think the whole thing is fake and they didn’t really have sex?  It’s sooo hard to be sure, isn’t it?  Nick did seem to be a bit fake when he was with her in her room, saying certain things to maybe move her in the direction of sleeping with him.  They even showed him doing a bit of that with her in the bar; it was hard to tell if he was for real or just trying to get her to sleep with him.  She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, so I don’t fault her for those, but there certainly are plenty of men (and women too) out there who lie to get sex.  It’s pretty creepy, and sadly desperate.

If that’s the case, as a few of you have suggested, then what do you think will happen next?  Will he turn into a creepy jerk and blow her off?  Will he hang around until he gets more exposure (like until she votes him off, if that happens), or will he take off now that he’s gotten what he wanted?

I’m curious to know what you think.  I think as ladies we’ve all probably had our unfair share of creeps, losers, and jerks.  Let’s share our wisdom with others in the comments!

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Check out this update on Nick!

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Nick and Kaitlyn, Woo Hoo! Yea!

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by,

Suzanne Coleman

Tonight’s episode of “The Bachelorette,” you know we’ve got to talk about it!

OMG I can’t believe how crazy Ian is, holy BLANK!  He just keeps getting uglier and uglier.  Dude, do yourself a favor and watch this show back, with a psychologist so maybe you can get a clue about yourself.

So maybe you and Kaitlyn aren’t a match, ok, but that’s no reason to be an ass to her.  Maybe watch how other men behave respectfully to women and learn from that.  That’s an idea.

I have to say, a guy who is a salesman and who was a model, has to be a REALLY deep guy.  I mean, seriously.  So deep.  Wow.  And you are so right Ian, you MUST be the next Bachelor.  I mean really, we’d all be watching desperately ready to laugh our asses off at your bad behavior and the girls who “throw” themselves at you on the show.

I guess now you’re off to get yourself some sex.  Guess that’s what you call a really deep relationship?  The kind you can find on a dark corner late at night?  Or maybe, for you, a phone call away?  Can you say, hypocrite?  Creep?  Douche?  Yeah, I know you can.  I mean, you went to PRINCETON after all…

Bye bye Ian, Hel-LO Nick!  Woo hoo, things are about to get romantic!

Hmm mmm, Kaitlyn and Nick GET DOWN in her personal suite, behind closed doors, while their mics are still on???  Ok, that’s a bit weird.  Is this show totally fake or what?  Anyway, these two’s chemistry for each other seems VERY real to me, I don’t know how you can fake a totally red face like Kaitlyn had while they were together lol, do you?

I think it’s great that they found each other and have such strong chemistry, that doesn’t happen much in life.  Maybe that’s why so many women seem to be so angry and jealous about the situation.  I can’t imagine that all of these women calling Kaitlyn derogatory names on facebook are all virgins?  Even if they are, they still don’t have the right to call a grown woman nasty names for having consensual sex with a man she knows and is attracted to.  Maybe it’s not the choice that they would make, but that doesn’t give them the right to name-call.  That’s just classless.

It’s ok to be jealous, it’s not ok to be a jerk.  Keep that in mind.

At this point in the show it seems obvious who Kaitlyn is really into, Nick, Shawn and Jarrod.  The rest of you guys, we’ll see ya’ll around… lata’!

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*You’ve got to forgive me if I missed something juicy, I’m here in the NE IL area and we had tornadoes tonight, so I missed the last 12 minutes!!  Please fill me in if you know what happened.  PUHLEASE!  TTYL guys!

Kaitlyn Loves Ian!? Say it isn’t so!

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by,

Suzanne Coleman

Yeah, you’re right, it isn’t.

I think it went more like this:

Ian, wow, you’re too sexy for your shirt.  Really.  Well, at least you think so.  It’s sad to see a man who is so superficial.  We’re all super glad you get a lot of sex, really, we are.  We just really hope you are using a condom each and every time.

It’s also super important to us that your ex-girlfriend was attractive, because you know, that is really all women are for, objects to be admired.  Good thing you can prove your worth by telling us you had a pretty girl, phew.  Now you can die happy.

I think it’s great that Ian let Kaitlyn know what he are all about, I’ll bet she is SO happy.  Better to see the snake in front of you now, than to bring it home, let it into your life, and then watch it slither away, leaving you alone with your kids.

By the way, for those of you who don’t know, Ian is represented by the show as a classic narcissistic personality.  That’s a mental illness people!

So now on to some more pleasant topics.

Shawn B., mmm!  He is a good-looking guy who seems to be real.  I like that he and Kaitlyn are connecting, I can see that going somewhere for both of them.  I thought it was so cute when she said that when he told her that he was falling in love with her, that it felt like he was her husband telling her he loved her for the first time!  Aw!  🙂

It was also nice to see that JJ seems to be a decent person.  Now that he’s removed from the “Clint Monster,” maybe we can see what he’s really all about.  I think he just got sucked into a bad relationship with that guy.  Clint is really a scary dude, read all about it here:  https://sliceiconic.com/2015/06/08/clint-ick-yuck-ew/

Overall, tonight’s episode was a little bit bland, Kaitlyn’s relationship with Nick cooled off a bit, though they did have a few smoking-hot kisses that they were able to sneak in when they were alone.  I wonder if theirs is a flame-hot-and-then-die type of relationship, whereas the feelings she has for some of the other guys may be deeper and last longer.

Who are you all rooting for?  Let us know in the comments!  Who would you give YOUR rose to at this point?

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Congrats to the Blackhawks!

One more guy…

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by,

Suzanne Coleman

Wow this girl gets it all, she’s a TV star, she has tons of men vying for her attention, she gets to experience world travel, and now, she gets to date one more guy, and he’s a hot one.

After the season is well-underway, suddenly Nick from a prior season shows up, telling Kaitlyn he’s all into her.  Apparently they’ve been texting for a while now, but have never talked on the phone or met in person (weird?).  When Nick shows up in front of her, it doesn’t take Kaitlyn-the-kisser long to do what she does best, make out with the guy.

Now, he is really good looking, so it’s hard to blame her for making that move!  It looks like they’re having a pretty good time together.  But then Kaitlyn has to make a BIG decision.

She can’t seem to shake that feeling that he is one of the ones for her!  So she has to decide, geez, should I let him stay around and compete for my “love?”  After much thought (well maybe one night’s worth), she decides, heck ya! he’s here to stay.

It’s pretty hard to argue with that decision, I mean didn’t you guys SEE how hot they were together?  It’d be hard to say no to that…

So the drama builds, as Kaitlyn-the-kisser’s other victims, holed up in a hotel room, get frustrated that one more man is going to be thrown into the mix.  I mean, they all get along (well mostly), which is kind-of weird, but this NEW GUY, I mean, ew, who wants to deal with one more guy?  At least that’s the sentiment in the hotel room.

The whole situation is weird, I mean, in real life, you’re competing with potentially billions of suitors, so why do you care if one more guy is coming in?

Well, some of the guys said it best, if she REALLY IS into you, then why would she bring in a new guy?  EXACTLY.  Smart guys.  She ISN’T really into you, she likes her options.  I guess she’s a player in her own right, dare I say a female Juan Pablo?  (Ew, yuck, spit, even saying that misogynist’s name makes me cringe!)  No, I don’t think she’s that bad, I do think she’s enjoying the chance to meet and date (and kiss) multiple guys though.

What do you think?

 

 

 

 

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