HILARIOUS “Bachelorette” Parody!

The Bachelorette Gossip, capitals regular font and verdana for %22gossip%22

by,

Suzanne Coleman

So what’s going to go down on Monday’s episode of “The Bachelorette?!”  Picture this!

Opening scene:

Kaitlyn had SUCH a good time with her boy Nick last week that she just can’t help herself, she has to have MORE!  Mmmmm!  So the first thing she does is grab her hottie while the other guys’ backs are turned and sneaks him upstairs.

But, while she and Nick are having some “private time” in the upstairs suite, Shawn gets antsy and comes up the stairs looking for “his girl.”

Shawn walks up to her bedroom doors and stops, he hears some noises coming from behind them.  He figures it’s just Kaitlyn getting ready and he opens up the door and pops his head in.  As his head enters the room, we see him recoil in surprise as tears fill his eyes and his mouth drops open.  “What are you DOING?!” he screams.

All of the other men are downstairs when they hear this manly scream ring out from above.  Several of them drop their champagne glasses, and the liquid flows all over the floor.  They clumsily jump to their feet, looking around at each other and saying “what the heck is going on?!”  Half of them are wasted off of their asses and can’t seem to stand up straight.  No one knows what is happening, so thinking that Kaitlyn is in some kind of danger, a bunch of them run upstairs in varying states of manliness.  Joe slips and falls on the wet red tiles.

Meanwhile, behind the door, Kaitlyn unwraps herself from the curly-haired, sweaty man she can’t stay away from and gasps!  “Oh, no!”  They have been discovered.

She quickly runs to the door, partly covering herself up as she goes.  She stammers something to Shawn, who is now wandering around in the hall, staring into space, muttering unintelligibly to himself.  She closes the door and leans against it.

“Nick!” she says, “we need to get out of here NOW.  You are in danger, the guys are going to KILL you!”  “… And maybe me…” she adds as an afterthought.

She looks around the room.  How will they escape?

She spots the ornate double French doors that lead out to the sunny stone-railinged balcony.  That’s it!  She pulls the half-naked sexy man out from her bed.  “Let’s go!” she calls to him.

They run.  “Kaitlyn, what is happening?” pants Nick.

“Nick, the guys, they know!”

“OMG, they’re going to KILL me,” he says, looking surly.

“I know, that’s why you have to get the hell out of here now.  Field-plowing will have to wait.”

Kaitlyn opens the balcony doors and the sunlight streams in, making her squint her eyes.  When she opens them up again, she is shocked!  The men have gathered on the lawn below them.  They are angry, very angry.  She can hear them growling, and shouting, “Get them!!”  Their mouths are set, their eyes like slits; they have taken up arms.  From baseball bats to swords they have pulled down from the walls of the hotel, they are ready to beat them both for their betrayal.  They begin chanting and banging their weapons together over and over again.  It is a war cry.

“Oh no!” Kaitlyn gasps.  As she leans over to look at them, one of her boobs pops out, “accidentally.”  She slowly covers it back up.  The guys stop chanting for a second, staring up at her, forgetting why they are there.  Some of them start drooling.  Then, Nick reaches her side and looks down.  Now the guys remember why they are there and begin yelling again and brandishing their weapons.  Nick’s face turns even ashier than normal.  His curly hair straightens under the pressure, leaving him looking like a desperate, scared, wet puppy.  His shoulders sag, he knows he is in trouble.

Kaitlyn is FREAKING OUT!  She starts to run back into the room.  Yelling at Nick, she asks “What are we going to do!  We can’t beat them all!”  When she turns around she finds that there are men in the room now too, there is nowhere for them to go!

—————————–

Choose YOUR favorite ending!

1.  Her heart racing, Kaitlyn sits straight up in bed, covered in sweat.  Her eyes pop wide open; she jumps out of bed and begins running around, looking for the men who are after her.  Her adrenalin is pumping.  “Omg, where is Nick,” she asks herself.  He is nowhere to be found.  She is breathing heavily.

There is no one else there.  She goes out onto the balcony and walks to the railing.  Looking down, there is no one there either.  She is all alone.

2.  Kaitlyn’s heart skips a beat, she gasps and blinks hard and says “Whaaa’??”  As she looks back out over the crowd that has gathered in the yard below she realizes that it isn’t the guys after all.

The yard is filled with hundreds of angry fans carrying signs and yelling.  They are saying things like “Kaitlyn is the worst Bachelorette EVER!,” the “Kaitlyn is THE Trashelorette,” and other unkind things.  Kaitlyn is appalled, all she ever did was follow her “heart!”

3.  Kaitlyn’s heart is racing, she grabs Nick’s hand.  She looks into his big beautiful blue eyes for a moment and gathers her strength.  She takes a deep breath in and suddenly, she passes out.  It’s all too much for her.

Nick grabs her as she falls.  “Oh no, now what are we going to do?” he asks himself.  He fans her bright red cheeks.

The men are closing in on them.  He grabs her in his arms and leaps off of the second-story balcony screaming “if it’s good enough for Romeo and Juliet it’s good enough for us!”

_____________________

Hey fans!  If you enjoyed this, please share it with your friends and let me know in the comments!  Thanks for reading 🙂

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Apple’s Next BIG NEW IDEA

by,

Suzanne Coleman

I’ve got the inside scoop for you here, don’t miss out.

I found out through my secret connections that Apple was looking to purchase a big piece of property that it could use to expand its business further into Europe and the Middle East.  They also wanted to find land and facilities that would be useful for company retreats and vacations.

When reviewing the current opportunities, executives considered location, size and what the property would offer to them and their thousands of employees.  They also looked at possible tax breaks and other tax implications.  They currently have billions of dollars stashed in Europe because of tax advantages.

I gave Tim Cook a call and told him about what I thought was the perfect solution.  It offered everything they wanted, a central location in Europe and the Middle East, with good access to Western Asia and Northern Africa as well.  It was available at a deep discount, but offered vast lands and a vacation-like atmosphere.

I told Tim Cook that Apple should buy Greece.

And he agreed.

Not only would this acquisition solve Apple’s current needs, but it would help stabilize Europe’s economy and the US stock market.  It would also give Apple a seat at the European Union’s policy-making sessions, and that’s never a bad idea for a company who is looking to expand their business into an area.

Of course all of this is currently fictional (in case you weren’t sure), but I think it really is the best solution all-around to the current Greece debt issues, and Apple could certainly afford to do it.

If you like my idea and decide to go ahead with it Tim, all I ask is a 10% commission and that you save me a nice house with a sunset-view.  Let me know.

Wait, the Apple Watch Store is, Closed?

by,

Suzanne Coleman

I just thought that since I’m up, I’d stop by and check out the online Apple Store where you are able to pre-order your personalized Apple Watch, starting in less than two hours from now, and see what’s going on, but when I went to the site I found out that it was “Closed.”  Uh, oh…

What does that mean?  I sure hope it doesn’t mean that the Store is broken and isn’t going to be able to handle all of those early buyers’ business.  At least while I wait to see what is going to happen, I can learn to say “We’re busy updating the Apple Store for you and will be back soon” in a variety of fun and fancy languages!  Apparently they have 3 different ones in Spanish, I wonder why?  And two in French!  I knew those Canadians never made any sense… 🙂

What I really want to know, is what is “snart tilbake” and where can I get one?!

Funny, now that I think about it, sitting here and watching these multi-lingual announcements flash by is not unlike standing outside of a large plate glass window storefront and watching what’s going on inside while you wait for the store to open.  So, just maybe, they haven’t completely foregone the good old making-customers-wait-in-line outside of their stores altogether, but have morphed it into an online waiting game instead.  And wait we will…

Apple Watch in the Shower?

Famous Girl on the Prowl.   © Suzanne M. Coleman, all rights reserved.

Famous Girl on the Prowl.
© Suzanne M. Coleman, all rights reserved.

by,

Suzanne Coleman

Ok, this is really hilarious!  A day in the life with an Apple Watch, watch it here:

http://www.wsj.com/video/apple-watch-what-living-with-it-is-really-like/13DDE53D-4DF3-4EDD-A519-4B2E3CA4F11B.html

After I watched this hilarious video, I wanted to send a quick note to Joanna who put this video report together but I couldn’t figure out how to reach her.  The new era of communications…  anyway Joanna, awesome work!

On the down side, after this was done playing, the Wall Street Journal website flipped me to another video and stuck me in a loop so I couldn’t get back to this video’s page no matter how many times I tried to go back.  Ridiculous and strange behaviors.  I have also seen this on forbes.com.  Come on guys, if we want to read another article we will, don’t try and manipulate viewers, it’s nothing short of extremely creepy and annoying.

Who Violated Apple’s Firewall System to Destroy iTunes?? WHO DID IT?

by,

Suzanne Coleman

While Apple (AAPL) stock has been trading down since the Apple Live Event on Monday, the 12 month expected price of the stock continues to creep up, seemingly unnoticed.  Over the last week or so it has increased several dollars and is now noted to be $137.80.  Current trading price of the stock is $123.76.

Per other news media outlets today (take your choice, pick one), many of Apple’s (AAPL) online services were not functioning this morning for several hours, and some outages reportedly continue at mid-day (Reuters).  There are several possible reasons for this, let’s take a look.

The most likely reason is that somebody really, REALLY wants to get their hands on Apple Watch’s undisclosed secrets and has penetrated the company’s security systems in search of their “gold,” leaving utter code destruction and dysfunction in their wake.

On the other hand, it’s possible that it could be someone from Anonymous who read yesterday’s article about how Apple has failed to respond to thousands of customers’ concerns for several MONTHS over a software issue that is driving people crazy and has decided that they need to “take the company down a peg.”  See the article here:  http://www.forbes.com/sites/gordonkelly/2015/03/10/apple-ios-8-2-problems/

Equally probable, it could be Iran who desperately wants to start up their own App store so that they can raise their “cool points.”  Taking what seemed to be the easy route, they busted into Apple’s systems to get a copy of the code that Apple uses to run their store.   They probably figured that since our government thought it was ok to just illegally access their computer systems, heck why not do the same thing they did?

Maybe it’s Martians (are there any still up there, or have they all relocated to the suburbs, wearing smart outfits?) having a bit of Wednesday fun.  You know how BORING the suburbs can be.

Maybe there were so many people trying to download the new Apple Watch App that they overloaded the system, you know, fried it.

Maybe Apple finally realized that the search software in iTunes is the worst I have ever seen, likely causing them to lose millions in potential sales.  So this morning, before they had their coffee, they decided to revamp the whole project, again, but forgot to tell all of us that they were going to do it today.  Oh, well.

Maybe Tim was just so tired after Monday’s event that he threw his hands up in the air and wanted to “just take a break from it all.”

Whatever the reason, I think shares should be back up at at least 129 asap.  I agree with other analysts that $160 is a very likely 12 month price target.

🙂

 

________________

*NOTE:  I own shares of Apple stock, but I still try to keep my sense of humor.  Oh, and in case you could’t tell, most of the above is an attempt to make you laugh, or at least think.

 

Chocolate for Christmas

The greatest thing about Christmas is when you get something as a gift, the calories totally don’t count, right?

Enjoy!

Tasty! By David Leggett (originally posted to Flickr as Truffles) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Very First Annual Official Unfriend Day

unfriend day fb graphis, Jan 1st with blue border around white

by,

Suzanne Coleman

I hereby declare January 1st as the FIRST OFFICIAL ANNUAL “UNFRIEND DAY!”  On this day we are all free to unfriend all of those CRAZY, ANNOYING, BORING, whatever “FRIENDS” we have added over the years on facebook and have realized that we just don’t want to keep them around anymore.

No more “custom” posting, hiding posts, making secret groups, now you can feel free to come out in the open and say “I am going to unfriend all of you suckers!”  LOL!  Ok, maybe not quite like that, but… I say go for it.  National Unfriend Day has now gone OFFICIAL!

Wouldn’t life be just that much more awesome without having to scroll by the endless political posts of those obsessive-compulsive types?  What about no longer seeing loopy, goofy posts by those schizotypal personalities, oh boy!  Yes, yes it would be MUCH more awesome.  And this day lets you do just that WITHOUT ANY GUILT!

That’s right, this day is 100% GUILT-FREE!  No one can ever come back to you and whine “why did you unfriend me!?” and go and badmouth you to all of your mutual “friends.”  Nope, not anymore!  National Unfriend Day is the PERFECT way to get them out of your life, no strings attached.  Go for it!

This way all of those narcissists who never ONCE commented on or liked ONE of your posts, but expect your COMPLETE attention on their incessant self-centered posts are GONE from your life!  And that’s GREAT!

Go ahead and enjoy your “unfriend” clicking this January 1st, you even get a whole DAY OFF for it!  It’s PERFECT!  And when you’re done, sit back, let out a huge sigh of relief and give me a smile, that’s all the thanks I need.  🙂

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