HILARIOUS “Bachelorette” Parody!

The Bachelorette Gossip, capitals regular font and verdana for %22gossip%22

by,

Suzanne Coleman

So what’s going to go down on Monday’s episode of “The Bachelorette?!”  Picture this!

Opening scene:

Kaitlyn had SUCH a good time with her boy Nick last week that she just can’t help herself, she has to have MORE!  Mmmmm!  So the first thing she does is grab her hottie while the other guys’ backs are turned and sneaks him upstairs.

But, while she and Nick are having some “private time” in the upstairs suite, Shawn gets antsy and comes up the stairs looking for “his girl.”

Shawn walks up to her bedroom doors and stops, he hears some noises coming from behind them.  He figures it’s just Kaitlyn getting ready and he opens up the door and pops his head in.  As his head enters the room, we see him recoil in surprise as tears fill his eyes and his mouth drops open.  “What are you DOING?!” he screams.

All of the other men are downstairs when they hear this manly scream ring out from above.  Several of them drop their champagne glasses, and the liquid flows all over the floor.  They clumsily jump to their feet, looking around at each other and saying “what the heck is going on?!”  Half of them are wasted off of their asses and can’t seem to stand up straight.  No one knows what is happening, so thinking that Kaitlyn is in some kind of danger, a bunch of them run upstairs in varying states of manliness.  Joe slips and falls on the wet red tiles.

Meanwhile, behind the door, Kaitlyn unwraps herself from the curly-haired, sweaty man she can’t stay away from and gasps!  “Oh, no!”  They have been discovered.

She quickly runs to the door, partly covering herself up as she goes.  She stammers something to Shawn, who is now wandering around in the hall, staring into space, muttering unintelligibly to himself.  She closes the door and leans against it.

“Nick!” she says, “we need to get out of here NOW.  You are in danger, the guys are going to KILL you!”  “… And maybe me…” she adds as an afterthought.

She looks around the room.  How will they escape?

She spots the ornate double French doors that lead out to the sunny stone-railinged balcony.  That’s it!  She pulls the half-naked sexy man out from her bed.  “Let’s go!” she calls to him.

They run.  “Kaitlyn, what is happening?” pants Nick.

“Nick, the guys, they know!”

“OMG, they’re going to KILL me,” he says, looking surly.

“I know, that’s why you have to get the hell out of here now.  Field-plowing will have to wait.”

Kaitlyn opens the balcony doors and the sunlight streams in, making her squint her eyes.  When she opens them up again, she is shocked!  The men have gathered on the lawn below them.  They are angry, very angry.  She can hear them growling, and shouting, “Get them!!”  Their mouths are set, their eyes like slits; they have taken up arms.  From baseball bats to swords they have pulled down from the walls of the hotel, they are ready to beat them both for their betrayal.  They begin chanting and banging their weapons together over and over again.  It is a war cry.

“Oh no!” Kaitlyn gasps.  As she leans over to look at them, one of her boobs pops out, “accidentally.”  She slowly covers it back up.  The guys stop chanting for a second, staring up at her, forgetting why they are there.  Some of them start drooling.  Then, Nick reaches her side and looks down.  Now the guys remember why they are there and begin yelling again and brandishing their weapons.  Nick’s face turns even ashier than normal.  His curly hair straightens under the pressure, leaving him looking like a desperate, scared, wet puppy.  His shoulders sag, he knows he is in trouble.

Kaitlyn is FREAKING OUT!  She starts to run back into the room.  Yelling at Nick, she asks “What are we going to do!  We can’t beat them all!”  When she turns around she finds that there are men in the room now too, there is nowhere for them to go!

—————————–

Choose YOUR favorite ending!

1.  Her heart racing, Kaitlyn sits straight up in bed, covered in sweat.  Her eyes pop wide open; she jumps out of bed and begins running around, looking for the men who are after her.  Her adrenalin is pumping.  “Omg, where is Nick,” she asks herself.  He is nowhere to be found.  She is breathing heavily.

There is no one else there.  She goes out onto the balcony and walks to the railing.  Looking down, there is no one there either.  She is all alone.

2.  Kaitlyn’s heart skips a beat, she gasps and blinks hard and says “Whaaa’??”  As she looks back out over the crowd that has gathered in the yard below she realizes that it isn’t the guys after all.

The yard is filled with hundreds of angry fans carrying signs and yelling.  They are saying things like “Kaitlyn is the worst Bachelorette EVER!,” the “Kaitlyn is THE Trashelorette,” and other unkind things.  Kaitlyn is appalled, all she ever did was follow her “heart!”

3.  Kaitlyn’s heart is racing, she grabs Nick’s hand.  She looks into his big beautiful blue eyes for a moment and gathers her strength.  She takes a deep breath in and suddenly, she passes out.  It’s all too much for her.

Nick grabs her as she falls.  “Oh no, now what are we going to do?” he asks himself.  He fans her bright red cheeks.

The men are closing in on them.  He grabs her in his arms and leaps off of the second-story balcony screaming “if it’s good enough for Romeo and Juliet it’s good enough for us!”

_____________________

Hey fans!  If you enjoyed this, please share it with your friends and let me know in the comments!  Thanks for reading 🙂

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Trackbacks

  1. […] I’ll end with this, the funniest part of tonight’s episode was actually the commercial for “Bachelor in Paradise.”  If you missed it, try and google it.  It shows Claire and a raccoon having a conversation; it totally made me laugh!  See you soon guys!  For those of you who love to laugh, check out this parody of “The Bachelorette!”   […]

    Like

  2. […] so I had so much fun on my first “Bachelorette” parody that just HAD to do another one!  LOL.  Hope you find this as funny as I do, I love to make people […]

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  3. […] a little bit of what caused all of the controversy (ok some of it) with Nick in the first place?  Click here to check out my parody🙂 Have fun! […]

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